今天我们给大家演示一翻，老师如何对一篇Band 4.5的学生习作进行修改的过程，让大家能够深刻领会如何按照雅思写作评分标准，来进行雅思写作备考和训练。接下来请看雅思内容：通过作文批改看雅思写作高分和低分范文对比
以下是一篇Band 4.5的学生习作，及其修改过程，我们借以深刻理解并学会根据以上的评分标准来约束并提高自己的写作实力。
题目：2015年06月13日(题目本身信息难度不大)
The charts show the information about the water consumption and water residential use in Australia in 2004.
The charts include the information which represent the Australian water consumption and residential use in 2004.
The residential cost +of water is divided into two parts,》: one is +for house and another one》the other is +for apartment. The house one》The former accounted for the most part which is》was 57 percent. As for the apartment, one》itis much less than +the water use inside the house, which is only 13 percent. There are also several other fields, including industry, business, government and others. but compare with the residential use , their total cost is only a small section. others take 3 percent which is the smallest one. government is the second smallest which only occupied 6 percent. the business and industry are respectively 10 percent and 11 percent.
》》将以上句子进行合并：
Compared with the residential water usage, several other fields consumed only a small section of water, including industry, business, government and others, the amount of which are 11[[[%]]], 10[[[%]]], 6[[[%]]] and 3[[[%]]] respectively.(提高句子表达效率和效果)
讲解：通过本段可以看出，该生信息描述不够准确，语言比较重复，而且标点符号错误率很高。
In addition, there are five parts will have》need water consumption inside a home,》. They are bathroom, toilet, washing clothes, kitchen and garden.>, each accounting for 28[[[%]]] 15[[[%]]] 20[[[%]]] 10[[[%]]] and 27[[[%]]] separately.
讲解：标点问题直接引发语法问题，而且对于动词时态的把握也有失偏颇。
全文缺少overview，所以导致字数严重不足。
来看老师给出的参考例文：
The charts show the information about the water consumption and water residential use in Australia in 2004.——改写
The pie chart compares the amount of water consumed in some different areas in the year 2004 in Australia. The table shows how much water was consumed in Australian families.
It is clear that most of water was used in the domestic sector, while outdoor water use accounted for a big part.——overview
We can see from the pie chart that water exerted a big role in the local family since 70[[[%]]] of water was consumed indoors, with 57[[[%]]] in residential houses and 13[[[%]]] of it used in residential apartments, while然而 governments and businesses needed lots of water, at around 10[[[%]]] respectively.——饼图
Although outdoor water use, such as gardening, made up approximately 30[[[%]]] of household use, the rest of themwas》were used in the room. 28[[[%]]] of water was used for shower, followed by washing clothes (20[[[%]]]). Toilet and kitchen seemed to consume the least water in the bar chart.——柱图
166 words
对于题目主干信息的表达多样性，是非常值得我们借鉴和学习的：
(1)家庭：
house——household
domestic sector
local family
(2)用水：
water consumption
water was consumed
water use
needed lots of water
water was used for shower
consume the least water
ps：虽然貌似词汇有限，但是多样性表达还是真真切切地做到了。此外，“使用”还可以表达为“utilise”或“utilisation”
该例文可以达到8 分水平：
(1)文章内容健全。
(2)组织合理：段落分布清晰，句子连接紧密而且逻辑自然通顺;
(3)单词充足且基本准确，但是局部单词使用不够精准，比如第二个图不能同table来表示，用bar或者column更加准确;
(4)语法方面，the rest of them was显然主谓不一致，应该改成were，但是这些问题并不影响理解。
(考试状态下如果能发挥到这种程度，小作文也就没有遗憾了。)
以上为雅思内容：通过作文批改看雅思写作高分和低分范文对比。点击上面蓝色链接就可以下载雅思写作核心28道题范文，大家可以从中学习雅思写作的ideas和expressions，举一反三，灵活运用。欢迎大家多多到
