Here is something I have just learnt from the past week. Anna helped me go through severalessays and pointed out: all right, there are minor errors in grammar and spelling, but the mostserious problem is the organization of ideas. "When you are taking TOEFL," she added, "youbasically need to shut half of your brain down."
True story.
It is very easy to get into a swamp of critical thinking and an entry level writer usually triesreally hard on fixing those loopholes in their logic, while ignoring the way he delivers ideas. Allthose independent writing questions are quite simple and mostly controversial. You mightnever find a perfect saying to fix it. But the raters don't care about if the question itself isprecisely asked or not. They care your language.
Building up an easy-access system of building up articles is more important than thosedelicately rephrasing process. What her final comment is attached here, just as a heads-up:
You have not clearly (or obviously) stated your thesis statement throughout the essay. In theopening and closing paragraphs the TS is also very we "You have not clearly (or obviously)stated your thesis statement throughout the essay. In the opening and closing paragraphs theTS is also very weak. Towards the end you become more organized, but the second paragraphis completely lost on me."
Then she gave me a specific instruction on effectively organizing an essay. I did what shetold me, which helps a lot.
Below is what have done within thirty minutes.
k. Towards the end you become more organized, but the second paragraph is completely loston me. You have not clearly (or obviously) stated your thesis statement throughout the essay.In the opening and closing paragraphs the TS is also very wek. Towards the end you becomemore organized, but the second paragraph is completely lost on me
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Spending money on travelling isbetter than saving money for future use. (20101105NA)
I am always seeing things from the perspectives of young people. I don’t think it is the bestidea to start saving money too early. Instead, go travelling as much as we can is a betterchoice.
Simply stated, travelling benefits the future. A widespread phrase “illness of modernity”largely refers to the uncertainty and anxiety towards the future among young people. Thisfeeling comes, in my opinion, mainly from a lack of experience exploring the world. It happenedto me several years ago when I suddenly realized a history major student like myself wastrapped between reality and ideality. So I chose to take one year off from college, which is moreoften called “gap year” to work and travel all over the world. I took interns in Bulgaria andPoland, bicycled through the entire Europe, stayed with American family, spent leisure summerin Spain, took care of autistic kids in Krakow and taught Chinese culture in Sofia. I spent all mymoney on this trip until I almost went broke. But I had such a clear picture for future and theexperience I gained from this trip basically made me very compatible in the job market.
People may question that it would be a little less than responsible for later years not to save upto a fund. Apparently, this concern ignores the fact that we will have plenty of opportunities tomake money in the future. Travelling during the early years, in turn, will definitely provide useven more chances. A lot of my friends are world travellers as well. They experienced so muchthat they are very aware of what the general trends of culture, fashion and even policies ofmultiple countries they have been to. They are always very insightful and could easily go onestep earlier and further than most of the peers. After the global trips, some of them havechosen to devote themselves in academic institutions, some in journalism and freelance writingto continue exploring and some, like me, chose to work in a company. All of these people noware making verygood money and the life they are living now is even better than the future theyexpected years earlier.
And then we need to consider a more practical aspect: are we really able to travel when we areolder? Certainly a huge pressure from expense of raising children, maintaining a family andduties in work will stop people from carrying out their travel plans. Young people have relativelyflexible schedule that reduces the risk of spending more energy in begging for a vacation orcaring for, say, how their kids behave in kindergartens. My professor always encouraged me. Hesaid, “go kid, if I were you, I would seriously consider postponing my research of Latin Americancountries because knowing that placefrom simply historical documents without actually beingthere and talked to people there apparently caused so much trouble in understanding theirpolitics and culture.” He was right. I am still young. I have nothing now. And of course I havenothing to lose. That is the spirit.
So let’s go back to the topic we’ve been discussing. When we are young, there are so manybenefits if we just pack a map and take with us the only dollars we keep in the pockets and setoff. Spend the money now for the future. It is never too late.
