为了提高
MA If you could change one important thing about your hometown, what would you change? Use reasons and specific examples to support your answer.
If I could change one thing about my hometown, I think it would be the fact that there's no sense of community here. People don't feel connected, they don't look out for each other, and they don't get to know their neighbors.
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本段是一个总分的结构。首先第一句话即点明了主旨。后面第二句话对主旨进行了简要分析。 |
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本段是文章首段，对文章要讨论的内容提供了背景，然后点明了作者立场，并提出论点。 |
People come and go a great deal here. They change jobs frequently and move on. This means that they don't put down roots in the community. They don't join community organizations and they're not willing to get involved in trying to improve the quality of life. If someone has a petition to put in a new street light, he/she has a very hard time getting a lot of people to sign. They don't feel it has anything to do with them. They don't get involved in improving the schools because they don't think the quality of education is important to their lives. They don't see the connection between themselves and the rest of their community.
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本段是一个分总的结构。本段由两个部分组成。第一部分：首先第一句话为本文后续的论述提供了背景和引入。二、三、四句都是对这个问题的补充讨论。第二部分“然后用一个if进行了一个假设分析，假设了如果有人有动力去改造社区，那么他也会遇到诸多的困难。最后一句话对此假设进行了总结分析，点明了本段分论点。 |
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本段是文章的第二段，也就是正文第一段，写了支持作者立场的第一个分论点。 |
People don't try to support others around them. They don't keep a friendly eye on their neighbors’ children, or check in on older folks if they don't see them for a few days. They're not aware when people around them may be going through a hard time. For example, they may not know if a neighbor loses a loved one. There's not a lot of community support for individuals.
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本段是一个总分的结构。首先第一句话即点明了主旨，即人们不会支持身边的人。第二、三句话对主旨进行了简要分析。后面是补充的一个例子，生动具体，帮助论证了分论点。 |
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本段是文章的第三段，也就是正文第二段，写了支持作者立场的第二个分论点。 |
Neighbors don't get to know each other. Again, this is because people come and go every few years. So when neighbors go on vacation, no one is keeping an eye on their house. No one is making sure nothing suspicious is going on there, like lights in the middle of the night. People feel more animosity than friendship between one another. When neighbors' children are cutting across someone's lawn on their bikes, there's no friendly way of casually mentioning the problem. People immediately act as if it's a major property disagreement.
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本段是一个总分的结构，“分”部分由两个层面展开。首先第一句话即点明了主旨，邻居们互不相识。第一层：第二句话对主旨进行了简要分析。后面几句话用no one进行了排比，凸显了大家不互相是的恶劣后果。第二层写了人们失去了许多建立友谊的机会，然后用一个生活中的小例子佐证了这个观点。 |
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本段是文章的第四段，也就是正文第三段，写了支持作者立场的第三个分论点。 |
My hometown is a nice place to live in many ways, but it would be much nicer if we had that sense of community.
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本段只有一句话，重申了作者论点。 |
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本段是文章尾段，重申了作者的论点。 |
满分因素剖析
一、语言表达
与其他满分作文相比，本文语言略显平淡。不过几乎没有语法错误和逻辑错误，语言明了，文章清晰易懂。在托福写作中，有些同学刻意去使用一些自己从未使用过的高难词汇，长难句型，往往出现很多错误，而且词不达意，从而得到很低的分数。因此，那些在写作方面没有很多积累的同学，可以学习这篇文章的写法。
1. If I could change one thing about my hometown, I think it would be the fact that there's no sense of community here.
此句是一个多从句嵌套的复合句结构。If引导条件状语从句，做主句的条件状语。引导条件状语从句的从属连词有if, unless (=if…not如果不……，除非), as/so long as(只要), while(=as long as只要), supposing (that)/provided /providing (that)(假如), in case(假使), on condition that(在……的条件下)等。that引导同位语从句，做名词fact的同位语，起到补充说明的作用。在托福写作中，引出观点时常常用同位语从句来表达，大家不妨模仿这种写法。
2. People immediately act as if it's a major property disagreement.
此句中，as if的意思是“好像，同...一样”，引导方式状语从句，句子的方式状语，翻译成“就像…一样”。形容词major的意思是“大多数”，同样的用法还有“the majority of”
二、逻辑结构
本文使用正正正的大正形式来写，结构简单，逻辑清晰。文章每一段都分出了很多层次展开，展开非常充分。以最后一个正面支持段落来说，每个层次叙述了一个不同的弊端，并用了例证排比等修辞论证手段来扩充文段，增加了文章的文采和可读性。
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